manly lesbian girls who try to steal my girl

Hello manly lesbian girl, do you think that just because you have a vagina I won't punch you in the face? You want to be a man don't you? You wanna compare dick size? Oh wait woops, you don't have one! How embarrassing! So how exactly are you supposed to fuck anyone better than I will? Lmao it's like that scene from Requiem for a Dream where that creepy white dude is like.."ASS TO ASS!" That's all you can do..ass to ass..with a fake penis.


Don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with 2 girls having butt sex. Do whatever floats your boat..I don't give a shit. Just don't get comfortable enough to think that I won't punch you in the face for pushing something as stupid as this too far. You look like an uglier version of Rosie O'donnell..

Why do you think it's okay to hit on the girl i'm with? I have so much respect for any sort of gay person..but when you try to take from me, i'm gonna slap you in the face with your own poopie dildo bitch. What's the point of even using a dildo if you don't like dicks? Oh okay, I understand, you don't like human dicks..you only like the glittery pretty ones. Gotchaaaaa.

SO PRETTY! I wish I could slap you in the face with it.

This happens so frequently that I was forced to take time out of my very busy schedule to address it. Thank you stud lesbian girl for not knowing your boundaries. I LOVE LESBIANS. DON'T THINK ANYTHING STUPID. I am not a homophobic bigot or anything..I just needed to prove my point.

That being said, here is my only advice, I suggest you take that manly ass beer gut of yours to a dirty ass strip club and get some girls who are in your league. That trashy stud look just isn't working for you..you look homeless and extremely dirty.

"ASS TO ASS"

annoying little things pt. 3

I think it's annoying when i'm at work..and kids run up to me and scoop my boob and say "SCOOP". Who created this game? I swear..only the fat little mexican kids play this game..I don't understand the logic behind the game..but they seem to love "scooping" so I just let it be. Yes children, scoop my boob. Go ahead. I think I should conduct a study on this scooping phenomenon to fully grasp the logic of it..maybe they're on to something. Does anyone remember playing this game? I think I slightly remember..

OH! Wow..ladies and gentlemen, we have a breakthrough..I seem to have found the definition of the scooping game..here you go guys! "When you cup your hand put at the bottom of the chest and lift up. Usually males do this to males, in a non-homosexual way, or girls can do it guys, but if a male were ever to think of doing it to a girl, make sure you have their permission. You will be prosecuted for sexual harassment without their consent." Lol I love the last part..sounds like a cop typed that definition.

I hate it when I buy a nice pack of gum, and my ass squishes them together. Also, I hate it when people fucking attack me for gum! What the fuck! Do I look like a vending machine? I guess it's only right when people ask for a piece of gum and I pull out some sweaty ass gum. Sorry to everyone who has asked me for gum..you probably tasted a bit of my ass. It's alright though..at least it was delicious. Some people actually ask me for gum, then they see it..and they're like..oh...........yeah....never mind man. It hurts my feelings..so please just suck it up and chew my booty gum..OR DON'T ASK.

I think it's very unpleasant when drug dealers who I don't even associate with constantly text me about what kind of weed they just bought..I DON'T FUCKING CARE. I swear, all the names are just so stupid..wtf is Atomic Northern Lights? Why would I want to smoke atomic marijuana? That shit sounds stupid man. Why the fuck would weed be atomic? Stop texting me all these random ass made up weed names..maybe if you just texted me something like, "Greetings possible customer, I have purchased some excellent marijuana and it gets you just as high as all the other shit I've ever had.." I would actually consider buying some..but fuck all that made up name bullshit.

That guy is definitely not smoking any atomic bullshit..he's like, "Well I reckon! You guys wanna puff the magic dragon?"

I think it's really gross and slightly annoying when girls have hairy armpits. Ever since I can remember, girls have been very good with their armpits and keeping them under control..but it has come to my attention that some girls have absolutely no shame! I don't mean to rain on your hairy armpit parade ladies..but it's really not that cool when your armpits look like chewbacca. Hairy armpits lead to smelly armpits..then you're gonna smell like a wet dog. My advice to you is..wear long sleeve clothing if you are going for that natural look..it's gross.

Oh my God. Her armpit looks like my beard..also, hairy armpit girl..whoever did your bangs FUCKED YOUR SHIT UP!

dear bitch at the courthouse clerk office

First of all..you are a fat and ugly piece of shit. I don't know why you give me attitude every single time I ask you a simple question. For example..the form you requested from me came filled out. When I asked you if I was supposed to turn it in like that, you told me yes. Then you told me no..then you told me it was up to me. WTF. "Well, you can turn it in however you want. *smack smack* (eating chicken) It all depends on the impression you want to make on the judge. *smack smack*" SHUT YOUR FAT ASS UP. They don't fucking pay you to sit your enormous fat ass on that poor chair all day just so you can fuck everyone over with your fucking retarded ass psychological statements. You obviously don't know shit about anything except fried chicken.

I guess you just take all of your sexual frustration out on all the innocent souls of the people who visit your God forsaken clerk desk. It's not right..you are really ruining peoples lives..similar to how fried chicken and donuts have ruined yours. You're ugly. I hope you cry at night every time you run out of food at your house. Put a fucking lock on your refrigerator! Throw away the fucking key while you're at it..and invest in a fucking P90X. Nobody will ever go near your obtuse vagina if you keep acting like Ursula from Little Mermaid.

Spooky! You literally look just like that..so cool your jets vile beast.

Thanks to you..my license is suspended and it will stay that way for 6 months. THANKS URSULA. I hate you. By the way, I think I might be making a new blog soon..for financial reasons. R.I.P. Business Casual

some of the stupidest individuals on the planet

Don't even really know what to say about this dumbass woman. Your shirt looks like your went to the gym and got it extremely sweaty..your hair looks excessively greasy..your nose looks like the Great Wall of China between your ugly ass crossed eyes. You just look like you smell bad GaGa..put your arm down because you're suffocating all the people at the VMA's with your rancid armpit stench. I know you might be trying to stand out or whatever..but you just look incredibly stupid in my opinion. And your songs suck..you look like some sort of deformed animal. Gross. Absolutely disgusting and vile creature. Return to your holding cell.

Here's another dumbass who decided to dress extremely retarded for the awards..why? Why do you have to dress in this manner? What's going on with you? Which one of your alter egos chose this outfit? You're so mysterious Nikki Minaj! Nobody understands you..but you're too cool to care right? We can see exactly how cool you are..you look like a doll you'd find in the garbage. Nikki Minaj the garbage doll. Very mysterious!  Why can't you just wear an expensive dress or something? You would look classy for a change..you little hoodrat. It looks like you literally went from dumpster to dumpster finding the ugliest garbage and created an ugly ass outfit. You also look like you smell bad..and YOUR ASS HAS CELLULITE BITCH. Looks like oatmeal hoe.

That's a close up picture of your ass you weird ass motherfucker.

Lil Wayne you fucking suck. Leopard pants..red and yellow Vans..nappy ass hair..screaming and posing..you just failed. I don't even wanna discuss you that much..please just stay home. You're already rich..and stop wearing dumb shit. You look like Predator.

You're ugly brah..no wonder you never found out how to love. P.S. THAT SONG FUCKING SUCKS. Faggot.

All these people have 1 major common aspect..they're trying to hard. You're only fooling the dumbasses..everyone else realizes that you are all earth SCUM.

fuck sprint..and fuck blackberries

First off, let me say that Sprint is the FUCKING WORST cell phone provider. FUCK YOU SPRINT. How the fuck is it possible that every single time my phone is fucking up, you replace it with an equally SHITTY phone!?!? WHY!? WHY!!!!!!!!!!!!!? What the fuck do you guys do to these phones? Why do they come broken? And fuck everyone who works at Sprint..seriously. I'M NOT GOING TO GIVE YOU A GOOD RATING. I'm not even going to answer the fucking phonecall when they call me..if i do it'll only be for the sole purpose of cussing out whoever the fuck is on the other line. Fuck you Sprint. Suck my fucking dick..and all my friends too..suck all of our dicks. YOU GUYS FUCKING SUCK.

Okay so, Blackberries fucking suck dicks in hell. I don't mean the fruit..the fruit is delightful..and I believe it is way more technologically advanced that stupid fucking Blackberry smartphones. Why the fuck are they called smart? I say we kill everyone who has anything to do with the manufacturing of these shitty shits. Let's begin by stating some of the problems which I am facing with the DEVIL PHONE.

1. The fucking media card will not detect and I HATE WALKING AROUND IN SILENCE. What the hell is the point of having a shitload of music on my computer..if my piece of garbage phone can't even find it? Not to mention the fucking media card is conveniently located UNDER the battery..WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING!? Why would you put it there!?!?!? Every fucking time it fucks up (345,457,234,236,789 times a day), I am forced to remove my battery with pure FURY in hopes of getting it to "format". FUCK FORMATTING. I wanna fucking destroy this phone like i'm that wrestler guy Triple H..and then fucking spit on it just like he does.

2. The speaker must be stupid as shit because people say i'm whispering when i'm clearly yelling. I HATE YELLING. This is such a fucking problem because it pisses me off hearing my friends say they can't hear me..then I get pissed and throw my phone onto the floor, light myself on fire and torpedo out of 15th story windows. Then I won't have to worry about bad call quality..because i'll be fucking DEAD. DO YOU WANT ME TO DIE SPRINT!? Probably so..

3. It takes forever to load when I start it up..it shows me a fucking little fucking icon that looks like it belongs on a fucking Windows 94 computer. SERIOUSLY!? Stop fucking spinning/loading and just turn the fuck on already..I don't know what the problem is. After 19 hours of loading..the screen says,"Sprint Rated for Sprint Speed." WTF. Are you proud of your Sprint Speed? What the fuck is Sprint Speed? Snail Speed. Fuck snails..and fuck Sprint.

4. Last but not least, Blackberry technical support is fucking retarded. I swear..I went to the website today..and they think if they repeat the same bullshit they write on the Help icon of the Blackberry..people will be happy and proceed with their shitty lives and not even realize they were duped. WELL FUCK THAT, because I NOTICED! It says exactly the same bullshit on the phone and on the fucking tech support website. You guys are fucking lazy small dick and/or big vagina bitches!!! Half the shit you walk people through DOESN'T EVEN EXIST!! "Go into the media card folder and simply click format now." Right, very simple to find a fucking button that doesn't exist. You can format my dick to your face bitches.

biggest outfit failures at UHD

Okay so, with a brand new semester upon us..I've noticed a bunch of people having difficulties dressing to impress like they're supposed to do.

Let's begin from the ground up discussing sneakers..man there's a lot to discuss.

First of all, i don't know how many times I've said this but, JORDANS FUCKING SUCK. All these guys who walk around wearing their Cement 3's and their Flint 13's and all the other stupid ass bullshit need to return them asap. How can you honestly think you're the hottest shit on the face of the earth when everyone has those fucking shoes? You're an idiot! Every corner I turn brings more dumbasses sitting down in their gay pride group mean mugging everyone like they're the cool kids. You're a faggot..you and your buddies are probably gonna drop out and i'll just laugh at you and your wardrobe malfunctions.

Learn from Drake..he made the mistake of wearing these hideous FAKE Jordans..lmao. Drake..you shoulda stayed in that wheelchair brah..save yourself from needing to buy fake sneakers. Plus, your haircut sucks and your eyebrows are like fuzzy caterpillars.

Also, extremely tight jeans are not cool. You know the ones you see at Urban Outfitters? The EXTREMELY tight ones? I saw a kid wearing some that looked like they had been through hell and back..you're cutting off the circulation to your poor little legs man. It looks like you just wrapped saran wrap around your legs..they look like fatass turkey legs ready to be shipped to a festival or an amusement park. Very amusing. The jaws of life will soon be needed to pry you out of them.

And stop wearing Vans fag.

As for the ladies..I have never seen so many god damn chola looking girls in my life!! We are not in Compton bitch..stop greasing up your hair and wearing dickies with a wife beater and chucks. Also, remove those infinite layers of make-up..it's clogging your pours and you're going to have bad acne. Is that what you want? BAD ACNE!? Motherfucking Cholas and their malnourished Mexican boyfriends..tall tees are done man..stop wearing them. AND NO, that doesn't mean to upgrade to Ecko or fucking Sean John because I know that was your next choice! Just buy a simple little polo shirt from Banana Republic or something..then you will no longer look like "Little Yogi".

SOUTHSIDE HOLMES.
That's just a few little things I've noticed in these last 2 days..please, if you know someone who is having trouble getting with the program, refer them to this post. They will be eternally grateful. Or they might wanna bust a "cap" in my "culo".

I will be documenting other outfit failures as the welcome week continues, so stay posted! I'll make an example out of you.

wasps

I am terrified of wasps and I've had a few incidents concerning them which I am thankful for surviving. Let's take a trip down memory lane, shall we? My car, for some reason used to be a breeding ground for wasps. At one point in my life..I didn't drive for about a month and the pollen levels were through the roof! After not moving your car for a month, you can only imagine how much pollen can accumulate on it. My car was basically a giant sex arena for the wasps and I feel like they were totally holding nightly wasp orgies in there or some shit. One day, I decided to drive to the store and buy some candy or some bullshit..unsuspectingly I drove off like any other day while talking on the phone. I looked in the rear view mirror and saw FOUR FUCKING WASPS ABOUT TO KILL ME!!! WTF!!! I totally panicked..swerved, screamed, cried, pooped, peed, vomited, threw my phone on the floor..everything at once! I got the fuck out of the car while it was still in motion..nearly killing myself and began to think of a plan. No plan came to mind..I was doomed. I left my car parked for about 1 hour..and they finally left..I prayed to the lord and thanked him for allowing me to survive such a brutal encounter with those MONSTERS.

The battle was not anywhere near finished. After finally getting the courage to climb back into my car..I scoped out the entire back seat area..quickly I began to see a bunch of dead wasps all over the place..when wasps die, I believe they emit some sort of scent for other wasps to come fuck up whoever killed them. Immediately I just wanted to die. I was only thinking, "How the hell am I supposed to live my life in fear!? I AM MARKED. THEY THINK I KILLED ALL THESE WASPS." Terrified, I stood as far away from the car as possible and attempted to vacuum the wasp corpses..it was a success. As soon as I was about to drive back home happily, I noticed there were WASP FUCKING NESTS INSIDE MY CAR. WTF!!! There were three in total. One in the crevice of the front passenger door, one in the crevice of the back passenger door and one behind the driver side mirror..by this point I was sweating and crying profusely. I began to doubt whether I was man enough to carry on with this miserable life filled with nothing but fear..I think I blacked out or some shit.

I believe my friend Paola Rosales was the person to hear my desperate cry and came to assist me. She knocked out those wasp nests with some sort of weapon..possibly a sword or a dagger? I can't remember..I was near death. All I remember is that she looked somewhat like this by the time the wasps had been vanquished..

MY HERO! Thanks a lot Paola. After the car had been cleared of any potential dangers..we resumed our normal lives of getting shitty.

Here's a cheeseburger I made last night..check it out..totally awesome! I should open a restaurant.